a few things about the colloquium yesterday

for the most part, two things struck me as unexpected: one was that i was amazed at the sociable nature of such an occasion, and the other was that this event unwittingly provided me a necessary distance from what i am doing.

it's probably weird for me to say that i found the sociable part of conferences surprising and unexpected, given the number of conferences i have previously been to. but when you're the organisor, it seems quite another story. in the first seminar we organised this past feb., i didn't feel the need of socialising too much because you have all the native-english speakers taking charge; the only a few things that worried me was if the technology would go wrong as i was in charge of it, whether my presentation would go well in front of all the familiar faces from the centre, and how my chairing for the workshop session would be (which turned out a disaster, though not directly related to me as a chair).

this time, though, i somehow was the person determining 'what happens next', 'how long the next break is' and 'whether we do this or not'. i felt so unfamiliar with being put in the spotlight and yet, it was not like i couldn't do it- practically it didn't feel hard; rather it was simply just like another thing to be taken care of in daily life, though obviously i don't get to be in that role of a hostess every day. what amazed me more was how adept i was: i enter into that persona effortless, checking on people and being diplomatic. but i did feel quite disoriented when i found out that in these social moments, communications were not meant to be only about communications- you speak certain things not necessarily to discuss any thing in-depth, rather the focus was to keep each other company, producing a friendly atmosphere. i was not quite used to it.

the other thing about the colloquium was the 'distance'- so well needed. on and on, i have this problem of being immersed in what induce passion and anger in me about my thesis, and so i end up appearing, for example, a nationalist, as in what wendelin finally plucked up to ask me last weekend- whether i was a nationalist. i've also been sensing the danger of not keeping the necessary distance from the topics and materials, but didn't quite know how to strive for some 'clearer vision' before yesterday.

this was how it worked: discussing issues with others within the framework of east asia/taiwan, i was immediately forced to look at things from a totally different perspective and to try to bridge over that difference in perspectives, and so such efforts distanced me from what i saw as problematic. it was as if some kind of extra bonus of participating in a space as such and being patient and attentive etc. really good stuff. didn't really expect it, but i am glad that this happened- now i just ahve to try to remember it and don't let go of that crucial distance.

other than these two things, i think yesterday was a success. many people at different time points during the day came to me and expressed how much they appreciated this space for discussion. i also have gotten some emails saying similar things. i am really glad too that i invited lim over and he's surprisingly sociable, experienced and wise. you learn so much by just being around him. it's always by knowing people as such that makes you feel comforted and optimistic about what the future might hold.