ohhhhhhhhh.

in the middle of writing and suddenly just wanna procrastinate. dunno, just want a break. want to stop. and then my brain starts to think about the course reading and assignments that need to be done next week- gees.

so i got up, went to the kitchen, digged out my swedish ginger snaps and british thornton's dark chocolate bar and started to eat them. the former was from my first and only trip to ikea in leeds and the latter a gift from a friend. i didn't like ginger snaps so much when i was in sweden, and they were practically everywhere. now i get soppy and actually miss that which cannot be easily seen around me at this time of the year. which is a bit corny really. its not even like i celebrate christmas or anything. i guess i just wanna retain a feeling of home. so need to work on that redefining home for myself.

i eat slightly more these days after having started working on my thesis. *Sigh*. as chang shiao-hung confesses in her preface of _narcissistic women_, she considers herself an emotional eater- whenever she feels stressed in academic writing she goes to the fridge and find something to eat. i was so impressed with her honesty. and so whenever i do the same, i always think of her preface.

i get a sense that maybe my anxiety is not that related to my thesis, but really a matter of having too many things to mind in life. conference. the fact that i always present in the conferences i hold- like i don't have enough to do already. keeping an eye on not pestering the presenters and keynote speaker for abstracts and outline since there's still plenty of time and they all have their own lives to mind; try not to call the catering for repeated changes, not to send msgs to yi-han every now and then for this and that which randomly occurs to me. . . just finished talking to my mom in the early afternoon and the breaking news was not her final decision of the date of retirement, but my (second-time?) explanation to her that there's no men in my life and i don't necessarily want to know/meet any. and then after that, i chatted a little with _her_, feeling like a hypocrite. it's such a challenge to live with her now. i still like her and in a way feel very close to her and yet at the same time, so far away from her. i criticise her in my mind a lot, and feel really bad about this silent criticism towards her. i am a hypocrite. she's like me, big time, and yet we are also so majorly different. i can almost be as self-central and over-sensitive like her, but i just cannot bear people who are paranoid and not trusting. they bring about so much doubt and distrust in the air and it makes me feel uncomfortable. i like being easy-going and trusting. i need that sense of security to help me get going. never before have i realised how important general trust in people is. i guess i just learn to trust people around me. having travelled on one's own so much, you do start to realise that you're not so important and that you can just be relaxed about things.

babbling. . .

all i want to say is just that i hate distrust.