shock

my experience of encountering shock was very visible. it all manifested in my body: shaking hands, twisted stomach, and being out of breath.

i felt time was slowed down. or perhaps it stopped. i felt stuck in one place in time, and yet a day went by. the clock shows that a day has pasted. but i didn't know how. i didn't feel how time went away. i didn't know i needed that much time to process the shock.

i didn't feel hunger. i only noticed that my body was shaking, i had difficulty breathing, and that my stomach was still twisted. i am also faced with a lot of assumptions. she assumed that i would be furious, i would need explanation, and that i would over-interpret what i saw. but really, i had nothing more than the shock. shock was all that i could feel. i didn't know what to say or what to do. i didn't know who i was.

what happened? why am i here? why do i feel helpless and alone? why do i have to confront something that nobody wanted to admit? how did the day went by? i haven't even had breakfast and brushed my teeth. i was so happy and excited when the day began.

my ability to feel and know the outer world has been dissolved. the outer world cannot get in me. i am filled with shock, and shock alone.

i only wanted one person to come in, wanted her to know and to feel. i exposed my vulnerability to invite her in, but she thought i was obviously secure and resourceful enough to be able to to do that.

a day or two passed. i still find it difficult to lead 'a normal life'. but i do start to realise that a week has almost come to its end, only that i have no idea how this could be happening. where's my whole week? where has it gone?

i feel incredibly sad that i've lost it.

email to my supervisor

an embarrassing email... but still needed to be dealt with and be frank about.

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Dear xxxxxx,

Thanks for your understanding. My sore throat and the sickness that ensues have kept me company for the past few days. I have had plenty of water and nutrient intakes, plus some medicine that did away my bodily sores and aches. But almost at the same time, along came a sudden 'dear john letter' from Sharen.

I know this sounds rather dramatic and there indeed seems something completely wrong to talk about breaking-up at this point as not very long ago we were just conversing about marriage and Canada. But as it turns out that she's never been able to bring herself to believe in me and in my love for her, for whatever reason. Due to this fatal inability that is really responsibility on both her and my own part, I have spent much time and energy sorting things out and trying to be able to accept it as it is. Realising that our relationship is not yet ready for anything further- without judgment and resistance- so far has helped me deal with this situation. I am doing all right emotion-wise, and am now starting to put my attention solely onto my giving paper in BSA next week, as it is coming up very soon.

Because of the recent relationship drama and my cold, I think I will take things slow for now. I am still subject to tiredness every day, so it might be wise to just do one thing at once-- finish the presentation paper before the coming of BSA, and start revising methodology after BSA . Looking at the diary, I might give myself a week for revision after coming back from London. I am hoping that the 21st (Sat.) will be OK to hand in the new draft of the chapter. We might then be able to do the meeting on the 23rd (Mon).

I will give it a serious think about the plan of completion in June and submission in September. I am not sure which will be more well-needed: handing in asap or taking one step at a time. A couple friends of mine in Sweden are having a baby this October, and they've nicely asked me to go visit this May, as a mutual friend of ours will be there giving a paper. They thought it might be a good time for all of us to get together, and we can all think of a name for the baby. I am tempted to go, so as to let myself relax and be basked in the warmth of friendship and family life. But obviously I have to think first what is my priority at this time. I will also need to talk to my mother about the arrangements and find out asap what will happen in the year to come for my PhD, whether I want a tight schedule or a more easy-breezy one.

This is basically an update and negotiation of a date for our next meeting. I hope I have not bored you with my own private life and not taken up your precious time with which you might do other more meaningful things than having information of other people's love life in your head. It is obviously a bit embarrassing to be faced with soap-opera like events along with/in front of other people, especially when you just know that you least expect it and thought you have done everything to make it right for the other person. But it's OK. As long as I learn something and make it something part of a positive experience for myself.

Let me know if the dates will work out OK with you. Many thanks.
Terri

before leaving on a jet plane

had my tap meeting the day before yesterday. after this whole time of being frustrated and preoccupied because of phd, i finally started to feel a bit back on track.

the-three-year thing does happen in a blink of the eye. i remember the first tap i had, where i felt overwhelmed by so many undecipherable codes behind what had been spoken in that meeting. i couldn't understand any of them at all, and yet i was told that i was fine, on the right track and just needed to keep on writing.

the truth was that they knew from the start what kind of phd student i was. i in that meeting appeared to be somebody full of ideas and sensitivity, but did not by instinct know how to structure things up. so they encouraged me to write as much as possible, and then they would push me to find a structure among most of the things i wrote. they thought that was how i worked. and now from the hindsight, after finally getting what they were saying to me in the very first tap, i guess they were not far wrong.

so this is the real part of this game: last 6 months for structuring and for proving my ability to keep a balance between endless ideas and a clear structure.

see the plural-vs.-single i just outlined? ideas vs. *a* structure.

am leaving this country to meet my lover and hopefully share some quality time together, while making progress on my phd of course.

self doubts

last half a year before submitting.

it feels very frustrating because i do not seem to be able to know what it is that i want to write about. repeatedly i ramble and go a million different places to find my arguments, only to learn that they are porous due to lack of self-reflexivity (from a methodological point of view).

i do not know what it wrong. in personal life i am full of self-reflexivity. i mean, me, without being self-reflexive is like pizza without tomato paste.

but i know ti's true. the chapter i've been working on over and over again is such a great example. i wasn't clear in terms what i was going to do, what cultural sites i was going to examine, why, from which perspective and with what methods.

ti's true. i was not reflexive in all these areas of concerns.

perhaps i need to in a way start this all over again. cast away what i've learned and start from the basics. . . but it just feels weird and frustrating.

i no longer know if i am able to really be the person i once wanted to be. if i am really that capable or if all this is just a facade, a lie and a dream.

someone to go out with

it's occurred to me recently that i don't really have anyone to go out and do things with. and sometimes i wish i did. it'd be good.

most of my life in the third year has been carried out either by myself or with my one or all of housemates. it- the idea that other than my housemates i don't really have anyone- has not really been a serious problem before and now. after all, each year of my phd, things have been different and people/friends around me just come and go. so it's not that difficult to get used to being always accompanied or always left alone. they are just different state of being.

but then again i feel that i can really use some company. it'd be nice to go for a coffee or a meal with someone here. just chit-chatting or not talking at all. just for the sake of knowing that you're comfortable around someone else.

but because phd has been such a solitary work and every one feels more or less isolated anyway. i sometimes don't really see the point of trying to make new friends. it takes so much time and awkwardness before you can really feel comfortable being yourself with somebody else.

making chocolates

I bought a chocolate melting pot some time ago at netto's. Since then it has been my new kitchen toy. I love melting chocolates- plain, bittersweet, milk, and white- and then put the fluids into a shape of a heart, an animal or something else. Some pictures of them can be seen on here.

I also made some wafers with chocolate and almond flakes. they were so good that i ate them all- only one of them was eaten by my housemate.

seems to me

that actually she might give up on me despite me being the one who's been not satisfied with our relationship. the thing is that she can be so easily disheartened and pessimistic. and i am not sure what to do. i've been a cheerleader for her so many times already and obviously it is not really working- otherwise i won't need to repeat myself so often and so many times.

not sure what to do but am prepared for the worst.

late-night panic attack

i had a late-night panic attack two days ago. i was on my bed, with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling and wall beside me, thinking: how can i trust myself? can i trust myself? really?

so this was the moment in my life where you started to question.

all the variants of questions regarding 'self-trust' hinge on one point: how can someone go about doing whatever she is supposed to do to get her life going without having some confidence and self-assurance in herself?

it's a lot easier to trust all the other people than myself. i don't know other people's weakness, uncertainties, cowardness, and stupidity. not as well as they know them themselves at least. so i can still choose to be blind and be all innocent and say: i trust you. don't let me down. and if they still somehow let me down, i would have someone to blame. it's a good deal. you can get away with trusting others and have that option of blaming others.

i have been completing my doctoral degree partly based on my trust in myself and partly on my supervisor's trust in me. but what really counts at the end of the day, obviously, is back to my own trust in me.

you see, i am going to be that supervisor who encourage students and have trust in them. so i'd better learn the trick and have some more faith, as much as possible-- no matter how.