self doubts

last half a year before submitting.

it feels very frustrating because i do not seem to be able to know what it is that i want to write about. repeatedly i ramble and go a million different places to find my arguments, only to learn that they are porous due to lack of self-reflexivity (from a methodological point of view).

i do not know what it wrong. in personal life i am full of self-reflexivity. i mean, me, without being self-reflexive is like pizza without tomato paste.

but i know ti's true. the chapter i've been working on over and over again is such a great example. i wasn't clear in terms what i was going to do, what cultural sites i was going to examine, why, from which perspective and with what methods.

ti's true. i was not reflexive in all these areas of concerns.

perhaps i need to in a way start this all over again. cast away what i've learned and start from the basics. . . but it just feels weird and frustrating.

i no longer know if i am able to really be the person i once wanted to be. if i am really that capable or if all this is just a facade, a lie and a dream.