late-night panic attack

i had a late-night panic attack two days ago. i was on my bed, with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling and wall beside me, thinking: how can i trust myself? can i trust myself? really?

so this was the moment in my life where you started to question.

all the variants of questions regarding 'self-trust' hinge on one point: how can someone go about doing whatever she is supposed to do to get her life going without having some confidence and self-assurance in herself?

it's a lot easier to trust all the other people than myself. i don't know other people's weakness, uncertainties, cowardness, and stupidity. not as well as they know them themselves at least. so i can still choose to be blind and be all innocent and say: i trust you. don't let me down. and if they still somehow let me down, i would have someone to blame. it's a good deal. you can get away with trusting others and have that option of blaming others.

i have been completing my doctoral degree partly based on my trust in myself and partly on my supervisor's trust in me. but what really counts at the end of the day, obviously, is back to my own trust in me.

you see, i am going to be that supervisor who encourage students and have trust in them. so i'd better learn the trick and have some more faith, as much as possible-- no matter how.