narnia and a sense of guilt

went to see narnia this afternoon. the movies here in the afternoon is way cheaper than those in sweden, and of the same price in taiwan, so it's actually not too bad. the movie was faithful to the novel by the same title which i'd read as a child at 9. watching it was comforting. i recalled a great deal of descriptions in the book i'd once read and re-read and cherished in between the pale days of endless studying, sitting exams and dreaming about leaving behind all those dull days.

there were moments in which i felt like crying, especially when it was about the four kids' choice between 'going home and forgetting about narnia' or 'sticking around and doing their best to help the people in narnia fight off the white witch'. things as such easily stirred up strong emotions in me and i felt helping others was ultimately the thing to do; there's no other option for me. i was glad that the four kids felt that way too in the story; it had been/was the part that touched me, even after all these years. (but then it was really just a visual materialisation of the novel; nothing more.)

i went home and had supper with my tw housemate, c. c finished earlier than me. when she did the dishes, c suddenly gave this comment as if to have just discovered something: 'x hasn't been around and had dinner in the house for a long time'. x was the one who gravely harmed me during the summer. my first reaction to that comment was like: it probably serves her right to feel uncomfortable having dinner at the house. but then it got me thinking- or feeling guilty: why am i thinking this way about her? no matter how disappointing she might have been to me, i should not revenge my wound on her. it makes no sense and does nothing but reproduce the same harming effects. but i still cannot forget about it, let alone 'fogive' her in my heart. i still feel now how unfair it was, the whole thing. she could and can just get away because she's in a more previliged position and she's got voices, resources, everything.

but i do also feel guilty. she's probably fed up with losing access to talking to me and sharing her life with me. but you know what? i really cannot be as friendly to her anymore. i wasn't even so sure up until i typed the first sentence of this paragraph. i do feel bad about it, and don't want to keep on hating her, but i really cannot put up with what she's done. i am not ready to let go, and so the best i can do is really to not think about it as much as i can, and try to live in this house as peacefully as possible.