cyborg me

reading bits and pieces of _virtual girl_ and _body of glass_ makes realise that i can identify myself with the two cyborgs- maggie and yod- very very much. i can be just as 'out of it' in various social scenarios as they are often presented in the novelistic depictions, and raise many as stupidly basic questions as they often do, meanwhile not getting a lot of signs or signals around me. and multitasking too, it's like what i do all the time.

since childhood, i always feel that i have some sort of metaconsciousness that takes on a passer-by stance towards everything i do. i often feel watched- not in a literal sense as being watched by other people/eye/entity, and not necessarily about controlling, regulation or discipline either. i just feel that, because of this metaconsciousness, i have to be reasonable, rational, logical. and so i often fight with my desires and do instead whatever that seems to be more 'righteous' and 'truthful' to me. later of course i found that the world does not operate in such a way and my persistence was usually considered weird and 'unnecessary'. i've come to find a more comfortable way of doing this, not afraid of being who i am. but i've never figured out why i was like this from an early age. nobody in my family is like this- it's as if i were programmed.