darkness

for the past 10 days or so, i am in the house alone. one of my housemate flew back home, the other went house-sitting for a friend of his. He is not alone though. his girlfriend who studies in Newcastle came here on the 22nd and stays with him throughout the holidays.


The first week of quietness and peace was enjoyable. I felt I was totally fine spending time with myself and being well-rested. But these days it does not really feel that way anymore. I wish my housemates will be back here soon and we can again enjoy the nice time we share with each other.

But the truth is that one is gone and the couple only come in for a bigger kitchen. I sometimes am invited to their lunches and enjoy a fairly good selections of delicious food. (This male friends of mine cooks well and enjoys cooking.) Which is certainly something worth being grateful for, but it's not been exactly like company. I am excluded in one way or the other when I am with them, and I know it's supposed to be like that for them. I am fine with it, but I do wish that there would be somebody here who could spend the holidays with me.

along with this feeling of loneliness, i started to be a bit afraid of sleeping alone in the house at night. One night I went downstairs to turn off the central heating and router. On my way up again the door to the lounge beside me made squeak sounds. I was terrified at that moment because I thought the front door of the house was opened behind me. It was really nothingcome to think of it, but it made me realise that i felt vulnerable because it was one in the morning and nobody was around.

and then last night the winds were strong enough to make the door close and open, and things dropped. The sounds of these movements were also unpleasant to me because I got scared so easily.

I don't think it's really the state of being alone, but rather the darkness fallen at night. during the day I feel perfectly OK to be left here, but at night it just suddenly becomes a bit horrifying to think that i am here by myself. perhaps this is connected to my childhood memories of being too scared at the darkness to sleep well.