rambling. . .

sort of back to 'reality' at the moment. the immediate ones are: going to a study group meeting on wed. (finish 100 pages and draw a mind map as a result) and submitting revision on the 7th of april. might hear several things back from people while slowly making it into april. will have to think about the book review due in May, and the phd abstract thing for irigaray too.

the life without my own computer has been 'temporary': everything is in this transitional phase, temporarily, waiting for that which alledgely will arrive today or tomorrow- so-called 'my new computer'. it's rather tentative: i reply emails on the webpage instead of using mozilla thundrbird that feels so much more like a 'mailbox' to me. the morning routine of waking up, making coffee, puring it into a mug and checking my mails while sipping it has long been 'suspended'- if it ever comes back later. this reminds me of my first month in the house on Ambrose, when i had to bike or walk to the uni for internet access because chialin was in desperate need of the internet for her master dissertation and our connection at the time only allowed one computer networked to the internet.

without being connected in this specific way (while still connected in others, such as by a landline and a cell phone), i found my life full of tranquility, though at the same time getting more dependent on my mobile. so convenience is also disturbance and intervention, i suppose.

went to see the squid and the whale yesterday and absolutely loved it. too bad i missed the first half-an-hour due to inattention to switching back onto the daylight saving.

a sense of community

went to do some small grocery shopping nearby and again witnessed the warm and friendly chitchats among people from the neighbourhood and cashiers at the supermarkets. it was so nice to overhear their conversations and realise that there's a sense of community around it here.

linearity

although i've just said something unfavouring, if opposing to, linearity in the queer conference a couple days ago, i find my life constantly in need of being constructed linearly so as to be communicated and understood by others. so much reduction and filtering, holding back as well as simplifying, omitting the details etc. has constructed my life in forms of highly cliche narratives. i hate it and yet cannot do anything else.

then again, in terms of narrative construction, writing seems better than talking, as it gives more depth and complexity.

death of my computer and ...

my laptop that had accompanied me for four years died last tuesday. i was devestated. immersed in pure sadness and felt as if i had lost everything. stared at the ceilling for more than half an hour, feeling miserable and nothing else. i texted s then, and went to sleep. next morning, i woke up without the motivation to start my day; couldn't get out of bed. lost the motivation to do ANYTHING.

i knew i would still go out and do the things i was then supposed to do. but i was so sad. i actually started to think about all the other things that i still had in my life, as a way to comfort myself, only to again feel the painful loss.

it was a loss no doubt. i felt an old friend has left me for good.

then i texted s again. she called me on the fixed phone. i told her all my feelings, and she asked me what i was going to do next. 'get a new computer;' i said, 'otherwise i cannot work on my thesis.' so she changed the subject and talked to me about HP computers recommended by her friend in the business.

for some reasons unknown to me then, i didn't find it annoying. on the contrary, i felt that i was taken care of. although she did not deal with my sorrows by directly comforting me with kind and soft words- all she did was talking about these various kinds of computers- i still felt taken care of. it was strange.

after talking to her, i felt much better. i went out as scheduled to meet the perspective student at the uni, took her to lunch and brought her to meet the director. the day just went by like that. s called me in between to talk to me about the laptop her friend and she have discussed and mutually agreed upon. she wanted to confirm with me and i obviously had no problem at all with whatsoever that cost less than £700. and then i got a bit worried, recalling our previous tension. i asked her what happens now with us in that aspect, and she replied that solving this computer problem was the most important thing to consider at the moment. i didn't argue, though not necessarily in line with this priority.


the next day

our monthly research meeting. after that i was supposed to meet adrian to make some kind of poster for a workshop. but then i went online and s was there. she called me on the office phone, and we eventually spent 6 hours on the phone that day. texted adrian to arrange to meet him tomorrow.

friday

went to a computer lab on campus to work on my presentations next week, which fell on the coming friday and saturday. i started to work around four in the afternoon, after finishing the simple and ugly poster by hand. then i saw s' message on my blog, went on MSN, and spent 2 hours chatting, 2 more texting.

i spent a bit more than one hour to sort out my presentations.

it hurts

it makes no sense to feel hurt, but it aches horribly.

i am usually quite good at preventing people/myself from feeling hurt, and quite capable of handling things in life to the extent of making sure everything is all right. but this is different. i can only choose to feel and be real.

but i am still the old me: preparing myself for _any_ choice that you might make eventually- as long as it's your choice. i always want to be ok with things. for some reason it's something i hold onto contantly as if it's the most important thing in the world.

while i will be ok if you leave me, i know that i cannot deny that i am a bit tired of all this.