had my tap meeting the day before yesterday. after this whole time of being frustrated and preoccupied because of phd, i finally started to feel a bit back on track.
the-three-year thing does happen in a blink of the eye. i remember the first tap i had, where i felt overwhelmed by so many undecipherable codes behind what had been spoken in that meeting. i couldn't understand any of them at all, and yet i was told that i was fine, on the right track and just needed to keep on writing.
the truth was that they knew from the start what kind of phd student i was. i in that meeting appeared to be somebody full of ideas and sensitivity, but did not by instinct know how to structure things up. so they encouraged me to write as much as possible, and then they would push me to find a structure among most of the things i wrote. they thought that was how i worked. and now from the hindsight, after finally getting what they were saying to me in the very first tap, i guess they were not far wrong.
so this is the real part of this game: last 6 months for structuring and for proving my ability to keep a balance between endless ideas and a clear structure.
see the plural-vs.-single i just outlined? ideas vs. *a* structure.
am leaving this country to meet my lover and hopefully share some quality time together, while making progress on my phd of course.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
self doubts
last half a year before submitting.
it feels very frustrating because i do not seem to be able to know what it is that i want to write about. repeatedly i ramble and go a million different places to find my arguments, only to learn that they are porous due to lack of self-reflexivity (from a methodological point of view).
i do not know what it wrong. in personal life i am full of self-reflexivity. i mean, me, without being self-reflexive is like pizza without tomato paste.
but i know ti's true. the chapter i've been working on over and over again is such a great example. i wasn't clear in terms what i was going to do, what cultural sites i was going to examine, why, from which perspective and with what methods.
ti's true. i was not reflexive in all these areas of concerns.
perhaps i need to in a way start this all over again. cast away what i've learned and start from the basics. . . but it just feels weird and frustrating.
i no longer know if i am able to really be the person i once wanted to be. if i am really that capable or if all this is just a facade, a lie and a dream.
it feels very frustrating because i do not seem to be able to know what it is that i want to write about. repeatedly i ramble and go a million different places to find my arguments, only to learn that they are porous due to lack of self-reflexivity (from a methodological point of view).
i do not know what it wrong. in personal life i am full of self-reflexivity. i mean, me, without being self-reflexive is like pizza without tomato paste.
but i know ti's true. the chapter i've been working on over and over again is such a great example. i wasn't clear in terms what i was going to do, what cultural sites i was going to examine, why, from which perspective and with what methods.
ti's true. i was not reflexive in all these areas of concerns.
perhaps i need to in a way start this all over again. cast away what i've learned and start from the basics. . . but it just feels weird and frustrating.
i no longer know if i am able to really be the person i once wanted to be. if i am really that capable or if all this is just a facade, a lie and a dream.
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