someone to go out with

it's occurred to me recently that i don't really have anyone to go out and do things with. and sometimes i wish i did. it'd be good.

most of my life in the third year has been carried out either by myself or with my one or all of housemates. it- the idea that other than my housemates i don't really have anyone- has not really been a serious problem before and now. after all, each year of my phd, things have been different and people/friends around me just come and go. so it's not that difficult to get used to being always accompanied or always left alone. they are just different state of being.

but then again i feel that i can really use some company. it'd be nice to go for a coffee or a meal with someone here. just chit-chatting or not talking at all. just for the sake of knowing that you're comfortable around someone else.

but because phd has been such a solitary work and every one feels more or less isolated anyway. i sometimes don't really see the point of trying to make new friends. it takes so much time and awkwardness before you can really feel comfortable being yourself with somebody else.

making chocolates

I bought a chocolate melting pot some time ago at netto's. Since then it has been my new kitchen toy. I love melting chocolates- plain, bittersweet, milk, and white- and then put the fluids into a shape of a heart, an animal or something else. Some pictures of them can be seen on here.

I also made some wafers with chocolate and almond flakes. they were so good that i ate them all- only one of them was eaten by my housemate.

seems to me

that actually she might give up on me despite me being the one who's been not satisfied with our relationship. the thing is that she can be so easily disheartened and pessimistic. and i am not sure what to do. i've been a cheerleader for her so many times already and obviously it is not really working- otherwise i won't need to repeat myself so often and so many times.

not sure what to do but am prepared for the worst.

late-night panic attack

i had a late-night panic attack two days ago. i was on my bed, with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling and wall beside me, thinking: how can i trust myself? can i trust myself? really?

so this was the moment in my life where you started to question.

all the variants of questions regarding 'self-trust' hinge on one point: how can someone go about doing whatever she is supposed to do to get her life going without having some confidence and self-assurance in herself?

it's a lot easier to trust all the other people than myself. i don't know other people's weakness, uncertainties, cowardness, and stupidity. not as well as they know them themselves at least. so i can still choose to be blind and be all innocent and say: i trust you. don't let me down. and if they still somehow let me down, i would have someone to blame. it's a good deal. you can get away with trusting others and have that option of blaming others.

i have been completing my doctoral degree partly based on my trust in myself and partly on my supervisor's trust in me. but what really counts at the end of the day, obviously, is back to my own trust in me.

you see, i am going to be that supervisor who encourage students and have trust in them. so i'd better learn the trick and have some more faith, as much as possible-- no matter how.