just to give a shout

i should have updated this more often but obviously i won't be saying this if i had. so, what's new?

obviously nothing new. i have just been feeling very torn inside due to my over-a-month separation from the beloved one. i wouldn't have felt so bad if the dynamics between us had not changed. the truth is, though, that although i am still important and everything, i no longer am able to feel it. it's been very difficult for me to believe that it is still there. but when i confronted this with her, she was all concerned and showed that she still cared and loved as much. and i did and still do believe her. but there's still something wrong.

maybe because she's switched her focus. being an older person running a studio perhaps just means a lot of responsibility and hard work, now more than before. she's probably just trying to earn some more money. . . so this has been how i explain things to myself. but why do i do it instead of her doing it herself?

reading again her emails, i realised that she's never really explained it. she actually did not agree that she'd been less concerned about me. she argued that she thought of me when there was something there that reminded her of me. she admitted that she thought of me less often because of work. but nowadays she'd imagine that i was with her, that i would be saying nice things that would comfort her by showing that i cared about her etc when she imagine me there.

weird. so for some reason, she'd rather do it by herself with her imagination than really getting me involved.

at the same time, i've also started to realise that our discussion on marriage(!) has led her into believing that it's been 'settled', 'we're both certain of our minds' and that 'we will stay together forever and ever'. . . but i am not so sure.

i know i said that i was willing to get married. i was perfectly sober, not drunk. but i said it under the condition that marriage is not understood as any kind of promise or a life-time commitment, because i just don't buy it personally. i thought i communicated this with her and she agrees that nothing in this world can promise anything eternal other than the simple fact that you keep on doing it day after day. but obviously she still thinks that my willingness to get married with her means something bigger.

ok, so i did feel that it probably meant something bigger for her before i said yes. but it was very difficult not to. you can never say 'i want to be with you as long as i can but i do not respond to your yearning for marriage'. i thought i was just doing something that did not mean that much to me, which would make her happy. . .

this discussion is really leading me to no good. i can never figure it out why this has turned out like this. human beings are the hardest to understand. i could hardly understand myself anyway.

so you see i am torn between trying to understand her and trying to just go on with my own life all the same.