things are fine. though i can still vividly remember how it once were, i've however chosen to feel fine for now.
it was due to her physical limits. she felt physically drained and wanted to give up just because she was exhausted. not enough sleep. too much running around and too much tasks. she felt she didn't have the capital，as it were, for staying in a relationship. she was tired and did not want anything that would add on extra work. those were the words.
what i started to notice in retrospect was that strictly speaking there was only one day i thought she was really perfunctory. we talked via text messages and that was it. she didn't even bother to reply my final good night message and went straight to bed. later she confessed that she was on the bed thinking texting was such an annoying and difficult thing.
but of course she'd been sort of like a lump of air to me for some time then. mostly it was just a feeling i get when we talked. or due to circumstances it was usually me who had to endure with the fact that she didn't have space for me because she had some other priorities. it was only that particular day (mentioned above) when i thought she was really not caring.
she called me on her mobile from taiwan yesterday, saying that she missed me very much. i had to get out of the bathroom to take her call. (was going to take a shower) was pretty speechless and dumbstruck when i took her call, as i was definitely not prepared for this. but it certainly made me feel happy.
we talked for 4 hours later yesterday after i returned from a seminar discussion with the MA students. it was pretty much all sorted in the 4 hours. because of her love for me and my own love for her, i promised that, as much as the pain and disappointments has made me feel sad and vulnerable, i will stride over this hurt and be ok. this feeling of pain and sadness will no longer hurt me because i want to validate her love.
so i actually felt quite strong because i could refuse to be hurt by the pain she inflicted on me (despite it was due to the fact that she felt it was beyond her control, not deliberately made). this has been a good learning process at the end.
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2 comments:
dear terri, i don't know you, but i know Sharen, the exact one who hurt your feelings as she had done to me.
i felt pathetic about myself of ever believing what she had said to me. the truth is, she was too weak to afford a long term relationship.
for me, the lesson is, she loved no one in the world but herself. you will be fine and congratulations.
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Blogger terri said...
thanks for this. i do know and understand what you mean. personally i think she is a bad person. period. but the difficult part is that she keeps me as a way to prove that she is however under good influence and will eventually be changed etc. although i do not believe in it like she does, i find it hard to reject her as the rejection will seem to sentence her death penalty: 'you're completely hopeless'. i know i don't have to take it that way, but i also know that she does and definitely will. i am having trouble dealing with her in my life, and sometimes it feels devastating and disastrous.
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