doing some justice...

things are fine. though i can still vividly remember how it once were, i've however chosen to feel fine for now.

it was due to her physical limits. she felt physically drained and wanted to give up just because she was exhausted. not enough sleep. too much running around and too much tasks. she felt she didn't have the capital，as it were, for staying in a relationship. she was tired and did not want anything that would add on extra work. those were the words.


what i started to notice in retrospect was that strictly speaking there was only one day i thought she was really perfunctory. we talked via text messages and that was it. she didn't even bother to reply my final good night message and went straight to bed. later she confessed that she was on the bed thinking texting was such an annoying and difficult thing.

but of course she'd been sort of like a lump of air to me for some time then. mostly it was just a feeling i get when we talked. or due to circumstances it was usually me who had to endure with the fact that she didn't have space for me because she had some other priorities. it was only that particular day (mentioned above) when i thought she was really not caring.

she called me on her mobile from taiwan yesterday, saying that she missed me very much. i had to get out of the bathroom to take her call. (was going to take a shower) was pretty speechless and dumbstruck when i took her call, as i was definitely not prepared for this. but it certainly made me feel happy.

we talked for 4 hours later yesterday after i returned from a seminar discussion with the MA students. it was pretty much all sorted in the 4 hours. because of her love for me and my own love for her, i promised that, as much as the pain and disappointments has made me feel sad and vulnerable, i will stride over this hurt and be ok. this feeling of pain and sadness will no longer hurt me because i want to validate her love.

so i actually felt quite strong because i could refuse to be hurt by the pain she inflicted on me (despite it was due to the fact that she felt it was beyond her control, not deliberately made). this has been a good learning process at the end.

loosening up

she's been busy and tired. all she wants now is rest, fun and sleep. even if she tries to be the person she used to be for me, she cannot do good enough as before. i am still left unsatisfied. i still feel there's something wrong and that keeps me from happiness.


she asked me what else would be left there if we no longer communicate intelligently? meaning that all we have together seems to be based on our intelligence, and it's not what a relationship based on love should be. i said sure that's a big part of our relationship because i cherish very much such interactions. but i also make sure that i take care of her emotional feelings. i just feel it's so unfair for me that she goes to work from monday to friday and when she goes home, all she wants and needs is relaxation. but i am not her relaxation. i don't know what meaning it has if we cannot be bothered to care about each other's experiences, feelings and thoughts in life.

i frankly don't see the point.

just to give a shout

i should have updated this more often but obviously i won't be saying this if i had. so, what's new?

obviously nothing new. i have just been feeling very torn inside due to my over-a-month separation from the beloved one. i wouldn't have felt so bad if the dynamics between us had not changed. the truth is, though, that although i am still important and everything, i no longer am able to feel it. it's been very difficult for me to believe that it is still there. but when i confronted this with her, she was all concerned and showed that she still cared and loved as much. and i did and still do believe her. but there's still something wrong.

maybe because she's switched her focus. being an older person running a studio perhaps just means a lot of responsibility and hard work, now more than before. she's probably just trying to earn some more money. . . so this has been how i explain things to myself. but why do i do it instead of her doing it herself?

reading again her emails, i realised that she's never really explained it. she actually did not agree that she'd been less concerned about me. she argued that she thought of me when there was something there that reminded her of me. she admitted that she thought of me less often because of work. but nowadays she'd imagine that i was with her, that i would be saying nice things that would comfort her by showing that i cared about her etc when she imagine me there.

weird. so for some reason, she'd rather do it by herself with her imagination than really getting me involved.

at the same time, i've also started to realise that our discussion on marriage(!) has led her into believing that it's been 'settled', 'we're both certain of our minds' and that 'we will stay together forever and ever'. . . but i am not so sure.

i know i said that i was willing to get married. i was perfectly sober, not drunk. but i said it under the condition that marriage is not understood as any kind of promise or a life-time commitment, because i just don't buy it personally. i thought i communicated this with her and she agrees that nothing in this world can promise anything eternal other than the simple fact that you keep on doing it day after day. but obviously she still thinks that my willingness to get married with her means something bigger.

ok, so i did feel that it probably meant something bigger for her before i said yes. but it was very difficult not to. you can never say 'i want to be with you as long as i can but i do not respond to your yearning for marriage'. i thought i was just doing something that did not mean that much to me, which would make her happy. . .

this discussion is really leading me to no good. i can never figure it out why this has turned out like this. human beings are the hardest to understand. i could hardly understand myself anyway.

so you see i am torn between trying to understand her and trying to just go on with my own life all the same.