what you do and what you are

never before have i been involved in this intense situation, but perhaps intense it's not the right word... i use this word not in the sense of having lots of quarrels or fights, but rather to mean a nonstop series of 'uncertainties' coming up in life.

i suppose i am just not used to having another person in my life (however far and away she is). by having this person and constantly talking and communicating with her, i feel that some orders or priorities set in my life are quickly disrupted or even dismantled because of my own behaviours. i become much more easily disturbed by lack of attention or contact, though i don't necessarily fancy being contacted every other hour (that would have driven me insane too). guess it's probably about insecurity, although i know perfectly well that if i didn't trust her, i would never have let this happen and gotten myself into this relationship. so, it's really more about my own insecurity than anything else.

the way to deal with this new situation is probably to do the best i can; choose to trust and be who i am by doing it. i realise that it's all about what i do rather than what i am. whatever happens, it's really what i do that makes who i am. and it's shouldn't be about who i am that makes what i do. but it's a lot more difficult than thought because previously my relationships with people were not this close and did not make me feel some things that were crucial to me were rendered at stake. . .

but really, whatever turns out in the end would be benefitial and helpful to me in the long run as long as i do my best. i feel this is an ultimate test of some kind.