something still makes a difference to me

to know that certain people's existence and written words still cause a skip of the beating of my heart is so strangely significant and yet very endearing. i am mortal, nothing more than flesh and blood. of course. but i've been so skilled in managing my emotions and feelings to the point of sometimes, if not most of the time, coming near to numbness. anyway, the fact that certain things/existences still make a difference to me is basically positively affirming- it affirms that i am human.

going away

i will be gone in a month , flying to taiwan for a hot and humid summer. the idea was to bridge over the gap between my current housing contract and the next one, but now with s coming into the picture it has become a plan that is all about 'seeing (and being with) each other again'. oh well, this is what you get after starting a relationship with someone i suppose.

problem is that my mom is not happy about this situation and asked me to stay away from her. 'why not try dating some british men?' she said. -___-|||

it's not about some teenagers trying to steal time to spend together. or it shouldn't be.

what you do and what you are

never before have i been involved in this intense situation, but perhaps intense it's not the right word... i use this word not in the sense of having lots of quarrels or fights, but rather to mean a nonstop series of 'uncertainties' coming up in life.

i suppose i am just not used to having another person in my life (however far and away she is). by having this person and constantly talking and communicating with her, i feel that some orders or priorities set in my life are quickly disrupted or even dismantled because of my own behaviours. i become much more easily disturbed by lack of attention or contact, though i don't necessarily fancy being contacted every other hour (that would have driven me insane too). guess it's probably about insecurity, although i know perfectly well that if i didn't trust her, i would never have let this happen and gotten myself into this relationship. so, it's really more about my own insecurity than anything else.

the way to deal with this new situation is probably to do the best i can; choose to trust and be who i am by doing it. i realise that it's all about what i do rather than what i am. whatever happens, it's really what i do that makes who i am. and it's shouldn't be about who i am that makes what i do. but it's a lot more difficult than thought because previously my relationships with people were not this close and did not make me feel some things that were crucial to me were rendered at stake. . .

but really, whatever turns out in the end would be benefitial and helpful to me in the long run as long as i do my best. i feel this is an ultimate test of some kind.

after she paid a visit

she came to my currently rented house and spent one week here plus another one week with me in the lake district. in general it was good. relaxing, simple and interesting.

i did see a _lot_ of differences between us, many of them cultural (despite we came from the same island) and some of them generational. i think some differences were also due to our past experiences, by which we shape up what we have come to know as 'the world'. but of course you get that all the time.

she's still quite egoistic in a crude and obvious way; sometimes it bothers me, but i am doing well by letting them go and learn to be big. and to be fair she's really meaning well, and can also be quite touchingly thoughtful.