jan. 2006

lots of things are happening. till now it's been simply great. i am still making observations and don't particuarly want to repeat the happy new year thing.

i am on the cusp of some adventure i think. and heaps and heaps of time are spent on chatting. i sometimes feel enamoured, frivolous or simply happy- it's a very roller-coaster ride. i sometimes sleep with a huge sense of happiness, though this kind of thing usually implies nothing but its emptiness. it's about virtuality as much as about personal beliefs. i see there's a good chance of staying true and affectionate with this person for a long time, but wonder if i do so want to step into it. what's lying beneath? is this really what i want? isn't this all socially constructed and i should be able to at least try and fight with it a bit?

***

read the collection of edward said's interviews and found it really inspiring. but at the same time i do come to realise, sadly, that i still have not read enough. it's not so difficult to do the job all right, but it is difficult to know how much more you could've done while you just have not done it- unsure if you're actually capable of doing that much either. of course, won't know until you try. but then you don't want your life to be completely filled up with one thing without others, as you do need time to 'waste' on having people's company and learning to be with them, for example.

***

cant believe there's only one year left. i must be finished with the thesis before next march. W-O-W.