sort of an update

. . . so i deleted my last entry about those little dramas that have taken (been taking?) place in our house for some time now, not quite because i got paranoid and want to hide things- at least i really hope not- but because i figured that i am now in a better position to account th,em in a more 'understandable' fashion, wanting to redo it step by step- and you know, we are all reconstructing narratives anyway, each one giving out something less and more at the same time.

starting from what has very recently happened- it's yet again about the long-lost comments of my subjection to 'overanalyses' in life. i know perfectly well that i am considered an analytical sort of person and so i identify myself as somebody who 'thinks and analyses a lot'. i see it as necessary though people normally don't. and frankly, it doesn't take a lot of time and energy; ie, it's _not_ exhausting to me. but people keep on thinking it 'a thing that you should do without' and reject such a personality of mine, constantly imposing ideas that are more 'socially common' to make me feel my analyses in life are inadequate and basically, strange and unnecessary, whenever i insist on 'doing such a thing to myself'.

so such kind of comments came back to me again last week. some counsellor said to me i overcomplicated things with my analyses, and that it was exhausting to listen to me. i was immediately offended. i tried hard not to be, and yet it still offended me a great deal. i decided to flee from the session coming up this week by cancelling it three hours after the first counselling session. for the first time, i realised that counselling can be and does become some terrible thing, disturbing and unsafe just like the 'normal life'. (ps. i went for counselling to talk baout my housemate, in hopes of finding some ideas and ways to deal with my housemate as well as the changes/hurt she's done to me.


I talked to my supervisor the next day and unwittingly started to pour out the thing this counselling person has doen to me. It was nice and warm as she actually managed to push me further, and we never before talked about things as such (though i was obviously emotional and everything, i am really glad that she was not intimidated and decided to be 'soft' with me). She asked me why i felt so intimidated when she implied that my friend might be right- that i was behaving strangely and needed some'professional' help. My supervisor said that although she's got her own ghosts, she would not have felt intimidated in that situation with somebody who barely knows her.

And she's got a point. I certainly need to figure that out.



(to be contiuned)