shock

my experience of encountering shock was very visible. it all manifested in my body: shaking hands, twisted stomach, and being out of breath.

i felt time was slowed down. or perhaps it stopped. i felt stuck in one place in time, and yet a day went by. the clock shows that a day has pasted. but i didn't know how. i didn't feel how time went away. i didn't know i needed that much time to process the shock.

i didn't feel hunger. i only noticed that my body was shaking, i had difficulty breathing, and that my stomach was still twisted. i am also faced with a lot of assumptions. she assumed that i would be furious, i would need explanation, and that i would over-interpret what i saw. but really, i had nothing more than the shock. shock was all that i could feel. i didn't know what to say or what to do. i didn't know who i was.

what happened? why am i here? why do i feel helpless and alone? why do i have to confront something that nobody wanted to admit? how did the day went by? i haven't even had breakfast and brushed my teeth. i was so happy and excited when the day began.

my ability to feel and know the outer world has been dissolved. the outer world cannot get in me. i am filled with shock, and shock alone.

i only wanted one person to come in, wanted her to know and to feel. i exposed my vulnerability to invite her in, but she thought i was obviously secure and resourceful enough to be able to to do that.

a day or two passed. i still find it difficult to lead 'a normal life'. but i do start to realise that a week has almost come to its end, only that i have no idea how this could be happening. where's my whole week? where has it gone?

i feel incredibly sad that i've lost it.